Virtually all deaths bring a period of grief to the surviving relatives and friends, and sometimes anger, anger at the dead person for leaving us. It is a stage that many people pass through on their way to accepting the death. If the death has been expected, the grieving may be somewhat easier on us because we may have had time to communicate with the dying person, time to listen to his or her feelings and fears, and time to give help throughout the ordeal. We are not as apt to be angry with one who has, in effect, let us know he or she is going to die.

But it is not easy to deal with a sudden and unexplainable death, the kind that occurs in an accident or a suicide. We are denied the time with the person, the opportunity to tie up "loose ends" to make amends, to prepare ourselves.

Suicide, more so than even an accident, is very hard on the survivors. There may be anger at the person who chose death over life and perhaps over being with us. There is guilt, perhaps self-blame for not paying more attention to the victim when he or she was distressed; or there is self-hate because of those times when there was irritation or anger expressed towards the victim. This reminds me of an incident some years ago in which a lover of a woman who died by suicide without leaving a clue looked down at her body in its coffin and spat out "You rotten little b#@&%!." It is appalling to know that someone could feel that way when a loved one has died so tragically. But such responses are not uncommon among those left behind

Those feelings, as scary and awful as they are (although not always as drastic as described above), have to be experienced and worked through for the grief to subside. The process will continue until satisfactory adjustments are achieved and firmly established. It is a growth experience in the direction of maturity.

Not exactly what one wants to hear.

Because of the way suicide affects survivors, a lot of attention is now devoted to helping them deal with the suicide. Survivors must learn to deal with all of the mixed emotions churning inside them, with all of the unanswered questions that gnaw at them. Where did they fail? Could they have prevented the death? Why didn’t they see the signs? Shouldn’t they have returned the phone call after they cut their family member/friend off so abruptly because they were too busy or too tired to hear more of the old complaints?

What if? What if WHAT IF? Why, why WHY?

There are instances where family and/or friends do not always pay attention to those who try to express their feelings. People become fearful when you mention the word suicide, they may ask you not to speak of it again. If a suicide attempt occurs in a family, there are those that will deny that it happened, preferring to maintain a strict silence.

Sometimes, the guilt of survivors is justified. People often don’t spend the time they should with their children, their friends. Parents hear children talking, laughing, crying, but sometimes don’t really listen. But what about the parents that do spend the time, do listen? Parents are the ones in the end that are responsible for their children in the truest sense of that overworked word; it is they who hurt the most when their own flesh and blood hurt. One young woman wrote about how she was sick of the assumption that no child who has had a “hug, kiss and five minutes a day of undivided positive attention from their parents would never contemplate suicide.” She had survived several serious and desperate attempts to kill herself. Her parents adored her, devoted infinite time to her – more than 5 minutes a day – and struggled through several hospitalizations with her, family and individual therapy and inpatient treatment and finally, she came to the conclusion that no one is to blame, especially her parents. They did all they could. She just couldn’t accept what they gave her. She is coping now though; she has a part-time job, in a therapy program that is working for her and has her own apartment. It wasn’t an easy road. It won’t be. But she is talking about it.

One point she brought up, which makes one think; with all of the antidrug commercials on television all the time, how come there isn’t one that says:

“Don’t commit suicide. Call somebody.”

I think she made a very valid point.
If you, or someone you know needs to talk with someone regarding suicide, please call:

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) National Hotline