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O.K., the youngest step-daughter is now 14 - 4 more years to go. I thought I would just list some observations after spending 12 years in the step-parenting war zone:

Think of the ex-wife as a difficult, obnoxious, yet important customer or client of your business. They represent too much business to your company, so you can't fire them, you don't want to be fired, and you have to work with them somehow. How would you behave? - Mature, controlled, and as businesslike as possible. If they make irrational and over-the-top demands, then respectfully decline, and propose win/win alternatives. Outline the relationship, in writing, so that expectations can be set and understood by both parties. Get their agreement to the rules. When boundaries are crossed, communicate this, and enforce the boundaries.

Assume that your husband was fired by the important client, so stop expecting him to be functional in his relationship with the client. After all, the marriage failed, so why would you expect him to be effective in dealing with a much more volatile situation such as sharing children.

Assuming the above, means that you are walking a very tedious tightrope, filled with pitfalls and prone to failure. You may not have the skill set to cope with all of the issues that may arise - so get professional help. Hire a consultant for help with your relationship with your spouse, your step-children and ultimately- the first wife.

There is absolutely no reason for the first wife to like you, respect you, or treat you like someone that deserves to hang out on the planet. You have assumed the position that rightfully belongs to her, and she is threatened greatly that you will replace her role with her children. You ARE the enemy.

Do not do anything without thinking it through, including marrying this man with all of this baggage. What kind of life do you want? What kind of life does he want? What are your husband's and your responsibilities in relation to his past life? How do these conflict with your life goals and plans? Can you live with it? Can he live with it? If you are imagining romantic weekends with lots of travel, this just might not fit in with his visitation schedule. Do you like children? How are you going to feel about taking care of someone else's child who hates you with no emotional support and under constant criticism?

Sit down with your spouse and determine what this life that you are planning or are in is supposed to look like. How are you going to manage all of the conflicting relationships, responsibilities, hostile exchanges? As the step-mother or 2nd wife, where do you fit in? What is your role? What are his expectations of you? Do you have any rights? This is first. If you and your spouse can't get together on this, forget about dealing with the ex-wife and step-children. You are already doomed. Get professional help to work out discrepancies in your view points. Document this plan for life. Consider posting it somewhere as a reminder.

Come up with a list of rules and/or boundaries that are acceptable to you and your spouse for dealing with the ex-wife and step-children. Is she allowed to bounce into your living room and wander through the house critiquing your housekeeping skills? Can she alter your plans without discussing it with anyone or without your agreement? What are their expectations of you relative to shuttling kids, babysitting, discipline, setting values, family functions, school, parent-teacher meetings, etc. How are you going to handle the kid's possessions: clothes, toys, stuff, etc. Make sure that your husband and you are in sync on this. As new issues arise creating difficulties, come up with new rules/boundaries.

Force your spouse to be functional with his ex, even if it means threatening to leave. Don't let them use the kids as little communication ping pong balls. Pressure him to set up meetings with her with a list of issues and get resolutions. If he won't do this, get professional help to intervene. As they continue their dysfunctional relationship, habits, etc. it will trickle into your life and ultimately destroy your current marriage or your sanity.

Take control of your personal space and your life. You deserve to exist and have needs, wants and desires. Your life was not put on the planet to be a facilitator of their lives or a general punching bag which is blamed for everything that goes wrong. Remove yourself from the situation if you have to, so that you can reflect, regroup, and assess the next step.

Be fair, consistent, even, honest and real with the step-kids. Don't manipulate. Continue this for as long as it takes. The kids will eventually see you as an innocent bystander and yet stable force in their life. You will slowly no longer be the enemy. The venom spewing from the ex will kill her off eventually. The kids will learn who the decent players are in their lives and will gravitate towards them. No need for expensive custody battles. The kids will figure it out, and go where they need to go.

Document everything. Dates, events, phone messages, dialogue - everything. You may never need it, but then again you might.

Use mediation services with the ex. Be prepared and have a plan. Bring your documentation with you. Bring an agenda of what you want to deal with. (He who prepares an agenda, controls the meeting.)

Always be ahead of the game. Anticipate where the ex is going to go next, and already know how you are going to react and be in sync with your spouse.

Enforce any boundaries that you set, in writing, via mediation, or in the court system. If you draw a line in the sand, don't wimp on it. We had one major court battle, but it was well worth it. She hasn't wanted to go back again, because we were tough, brutal, called a spade a spade, and she knows the next one will be just like that.

Be reasonable, compassionate, and imagine life in her shoes. This will help you be rational in your expectations.

Find an outlet when you can't take any more. Be able to recognize when you are done, and need to escape. If you are obsessing over her behavior, the injustices in your life, little stupid things that have been blown out of proportion, call yourself on it, and do something about it. Maybe it is the time to schedule another meeting with your spouse, or another counseling session, or a vacation for just the two of you, or a vacation away from the kids and ex-wife. Know when you need to re-group.

I play Age of Empires - a game where I take over civilizations and blow up buildings. I find this to be very cathartic at times.

Stop expecting the ex-wife to get it. She won't. Just accept this and be prepared for the worst. This is a war, and there are no rules on her end.

Do anything that works to keep the stress levels down, e.g., have the ex-wife pick the kid up at a neutral place, instead of your home.

Assume that the children will be poisoned by the ex, and stop expecting that you will have some rosy relationship. If you do, great, but it is very difficult. Again, be fair, even, consistent, honest and real. Stick to boundaries set. You can have rules that are different than her rules. This is YOUR house.

Don't get caught up in the details. I see a lot of he said, she said, I said, they did, on this board. Just accept that you are in a war zone, and try to minimize the interaction as much as possible. Put everything important in writing.

Life is not fair. So highlight the positive, and minimize the negative. Learn from past mistakes, and move on.

The 14 year old step-daughter has moved in with us now, almost 100% of the time. Doesn't want to be with her mother. Uses words to describe her like, "Whacked", "Sick in the Head", etc. She sees me correctly now, instead of the evil witch that is responsible for everything including global warming. We laugh at the fact that everything is my fault, and I do everything wrong. She views me as an ally and a friend. She has offered to go counseling with her mother, but her mother won't go. Her mother can't talk to her without slipping in a jab or an attack about me. Her mother doesn't get that this is not winning her any friends. She is losing the battle that she so feverishly was trying to win. She has been attacking me from day one - 12 years ago. Her venom has turned inwards on her, and she has destroyed her relationship with her daughter. While her manipulations may have worked at 5 years old, 8 years old, 11 years old, they don't work at 14.

I have done nothing special except that I refrained from bad mouthing her, always followed through, tried to be fair, supportive, always included the step-children in our lives, vacations, and activities, was a strong force representing values, ethics and accountability. I don't lie. I always say "sh@!" if I have a mouthful. I am a tough disciplinarian, and yet always open for discussion. I pick my battles wisely. I don't sweat the small stuff. I acknowledge the children's successes. I promote positive self esteem. Always try to provide them opportunities to learn and support their future plans.

My husband's ex is not my friend. I have not tried to be her friend. It would be an exercise in futility. She does not possess the maturity to pull this off. And for what it is worth, she left my husband while having an affair with a co-worker. Regardless, I'm still the other woman, even though we met after their divorce was final......

- Laurie Sweeney is an accountant, second wife and step-mother. She has graciously submitted this article for use on this site.

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