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Rights of Children of Divorce

by Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

 
Children have the right to:

1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.

2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.

3. Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided for.

4. Have a special place for their own belongings at both parents' residences.

5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.

6. Express anger and sadness in their own way, according to age and personality (not have to give justification for their feelings or have to cope with trying to be talked out of their feelings by adults).

7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.

8. Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.

9. Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)

10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent's special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).

11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.

12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial parent.

13. Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.

14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.

15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.

16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)

17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.

18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.

19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlements of anyone.

20. Be exposed to both parents' religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.

21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent's set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.)

22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.

23. Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.

24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent's home or asked to spy in the other parent's home.

25. Own pictures of both parents.

26. Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).

© 1999 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist (lic# PSY9503), Director of the Nightingale Counseling Center in Newport Beach and Yorba Linda, Calif. www.nightingalecounseling.com. She is also a national speaker and the author of several books, including, My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced


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According to the Stepfamily Association of America, 60 percent of all families are breaking up, and custody and visitation issues loom large in the lives of many parents. Isolina Ricci's Mom's House, Dad's House guides separated, divorced, and remarried parents through the hassles and confusions of setting up a strong, working relationship with the ex-spouse in order to make two loving homes for the kids. This expanded and revised edition (the book was originally published in 1980) includes emotional and legal tools, as well as many reference materials and resources. As one parent said of the first edition, "This book is my friend."

 

Family Life magazine said, "In many ways, dealing with an uncooperative former spouse is like dealing with a difficult child: You've got to set limits, express your feelings clearly, and pick you battles with care. The authors' strategies for mediating the many issues in a separated parent's life are apt and easy to apply."

Sue Patton Thoele's book, "The Courage to Be a Stepmom" is well written and speaks to stepmothers as not just stepmothers but as women and caretakers who need to remember to take care of themselves as well as their stepfamilies.  Her book demonstrates to stepmothers not only the various stepmothering issues and coping strategies but also how to take care of their spiritual, mental, and physical well being throughout the process.  Ms Thoele's book also sites personal experiences from her own twenty-five years of stepmothering and her book is wholesome, healing, and easy to read.

William C. Klatte's "Live-Away Dads" is a reassuring and practical guide for divorced fathers who want to remain actively involved parents. A social worker and psychotherapist who has been a custody advisor to the Illinois Courts, Klatte rightly counsels fathers to come to terms with their emotions, a crucial first step toward diffusing conflict. Next, he expertly leads fathers through the stages of setting up visitation, cooperating with mothers to improve communication, and working on parenting skills.


Pickhardt shares his years of experience as a psychologist and offers a very useful resource for step fathers and bio-fathers for understanding the multiple changes that affect step families. Issues of multiple alliances, boundaries, even gender differences about step fathers relating to step sons and step daughters, and more are all included in this book which helps normalize the process of step family development. He is very accurate in his description of the developmental process of step-family development, estimating a minimum of 2 years for step families to come together as a working unit

Since the divorce procedure has become, legally speaking, nearly as innocuous as apple pie in America, the task has fallen to psychologists such as Shulman to provide both adults and children with the tools to get on with their lives. In this book, devoted to the immense parenting problems of divorce, no space is wasted with esoteric or gushy narrative; Shulman writes in the style of a how-to manual. The book nonetheless achieves its stated goal of being "an unintimidating and practical guide to help with the adjustment process." From the basics of "Creating a Co-Parenting Plan" to the specifics of handling the problems of children from infancy on up to age 18 in dealing with the divorce milieu, Shulman provides practical, straightforward capsules often broken down into useful steps. Though this is most suitable for divorced parents as a "ready reference" guide for thinking quickly on one's feet, public libraries would certainly do patrons a service by adding it to their collections.

 

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