As much as we’d like to disagree, we
all have feelings of jealousy from time to time. Stepmoms often
struggle with strong feelings of jealousy as they try to come to
terms with all the people and relationships in their lives. It
can be a terrifying experience.
Jealousy is a natural emotion, yet it’s hard to understand,
interpret and prevent in the unnatural situations created by
stepfamilies. But there is a way to overcome it.
When you remarry and inherit someone else’s children, and
even if you think you’re ready, you suddenly experience feelings
you can’t begin to understand. There is no preparation in your
past for dealing with your husband’s first wife and their
children. It’s a situation that is never planned or courted --
one day, it just *is* and there is no instruction manual. Base
emotions kick in with a vengeance, and jealousy is a strong one.
Those feelings of jealousy are powerful. They will quickly
overtake anything positive and do all kinds of harm to the
stepmom and her family if they aren’t dealt with swiftly and
completely. For a plan of attack against this most destructive
of enemies, try these steps.
1. First, don’t be so hard on yourself for feeling the way
you do. You can’t overcome the feelings of jealousy if you
continue to deny them because it’s not what you want to feel.
The feelings are natural, and you can deal with them when you
acknowledge them.
If you’re sometimes jealous of the time your husband spends
with his kids, that’s understandable. You’ve had no honeymoon
period for your new marriage. You’re forced to share what you
worked so hard for -- instantly. It hurts a little now and then.
Maybe you’re jealous of the financial security your husband’s
ex-wife has at his expense. That, too, is understandable. He’s
still giving to her and that hurts, even if it’s for his
children. It doesn’t matter -- the feelings are the same.
You can’t change these feelings until you give yourself time
to understand them. Accept them and then choose to change them.
2. Accept the facts. Jealousy is an irrational emotion. It
rules out of fear and insecurity and goes straight to your
heart. It has no logic, but the pure, cold facts can deter it.
It may sound like some sort of "tough love" speech, but to
combat the feelings of jealousy means to simply fight them with
logic.
Jealousy makes you want to change whatever is hurting you.
Some things you can’t change. Accept those facts. Accept that
your husband will always be spending time with his kids. Accept
that he must fulfill his obligation to his ex-wife because the
courts say so. You didn’t create those situations and you can’t
change them. Don’t waste your time and energy on how things you
can’t control "should be" or what’s "not fair" if there is
nothing you can do about it.
Then soon, if your jealousy has no foundation to build on --
if you dismiss its arguments -- it will fade and you can move on
to better things.
3. Replace the jealousy. While you’ve got the jealousy on the
run, replace it with something else. There is only so much room
in your heart for conflicting emotions -- sooner or later, one
or the other will win out. You can be filled with jealousy and
insecurity or acceptance and security. It’s your choice.
When you stop focusing your mind on your husband’s ex-wife’s
life and start focusing on how to best run your own, your heart
will follow. When you stop worrying about the time your husband
spends *apart* from you and start focusing on making the best of
the time that he’s *with* you, you’ll be filled with hope and
potential, not jealousy and regret. Choose to fill your heart
and mind with work that builds the relationships between you and
your husband and you and your stepchildren
Jealousy keeps you down and in the past, always focusing on
what you don’t have. Look instead to the future that you can
build and focus your energies on what you do have.
This marriage is a second chance to do so many things right.
You can’t do that if you’re looking back. Unload the baggage of
jealousy and look ahead to grow. It’s the better choice.