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When the Kid Who Can, Won't
by James D. Sutton, Ed.D. Compliance is a part of life. Someone (especially
someone in authority, like a boss) asks you to do something. If you do
it, fine. If you don't, there's a problem. If you consistently don't do
it, there's trouble. Educators and family counselors will tell you that
this problem, noncompliance, has reached our children. Exactly what is
the problem? Simple; a noncompliant youngster probably won't fail
family, but he can fail the fourth grade. When we're talking about
capable young people, this is unacceptable. Psychologist and author Dr. James Sutton has been
studying noncompliance and other forms of oppositional and defiant
behavior in young people since the early '70s; he wrote his dissertation
on the subject in 1981. His particular interest has always been the
study of these behaviors in children and adolescents who have friends
and solid family ties, and who are not in trouble with the law; he calls
it the "Good Kid" Disorder. In short, these are good kids with very
irritating behaviors. There are plenty of them. "Over the past 25 years or so, there has been a steady
increase in oppositional and defiant behaviors in children," Sutton
says. "Since this behavior can bring on a great deal of strife in
families and at school, behaviors like noncompliance, pouting and
stubbornness, obstructionism (interfering with the plans and activities
of others), and underachievement at school are difficult to tolerate,
let alone handle effectively." His new book, "If My Kid's So Nice ... Why's He
Driving ME Crazy? Straight Talk About the 'Good Kid' Disorder" (Friendly
Oaks Publications, 1997), points out few reasons why noncompliance is
seen so often today in capable youngsters. For example, noncompliance is
a common behavior of youngsters who have sustained a crisis (such as the
loss of a loved one). It is a component of recovery as youngsters
attempt to regain appropriate control and autonomy in their lives.
Fortunately, these behaviors are usually temporary; they go away as
adjustments are made. Still other children appear to be oppositional and
defiant from birth, with apparently no external factors influencing the
behavior. "The doctor pops this child on the bottom in the delivery
room, and he refuses to cry; it's been struggle, struggle, struggle ever
since," Sutton shares. By far, however, most oppositional and defiant
youngsters seem to cling tightly to a resentment toward authority. This
resentment is centered in the youngster's perception of adult
expectations about his or her performance. More often than not, the
child is not open to discussing it. The noncompliance does all the
talking. In the book, Sutton offers a number of ideas,
interventions, and strategies for turning out a happier and more
compliance son, daughter, or student. Two of the most powerful
interventions are affirmation and empowerment. "Unknowingly, we have become much too conditional in
the way we regard our children," he observes. "Too many kids today feel
that they have to produce or somehow earn recognition from their
parents, and they are troubled and resentful about it." Short affirmations are a good place to begin. A parent
can say to their child, for instance, "You know Suzie, I know that I
don't say it often enough, but you really are one of the best things
that ever came into my life. I'm so glad that you are my daughter. You
don't have to say anything; I just wanted you to know." The real secret
for making this sort of affirmation "stick" is to immediately ask a
non-related question, leave the room quickly, or in some other way make
it comfortable for the youngster not to respond to what you just told
them. This can be powerful stuff. Offering choices is an excellent way to empower a youngster, and it goes a long way in better ensuring that the child will initiate and complete that which she has selected (thus directly dealing with noncompliance). For instance, a youngster can be given five cards, each of which has an assigned home or school task written on it. The youngster is told that, if he or she begins the tasks within the next ten minutes, and completes them, only three need to be done; two cards can be returned. This approach not only eliminates a number of hassles, it is perceived by the child as a fair and reasonable gesture. It won't "cure" the problem of noncompliance overnight, but it is a move in the right direction.
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